I Grieve
by The Bonnie Pirate Lass
Summary: Complete Summary Inside. Takes place after Pony breaks the news of Johnny's death, but before the phone call from Dally. Song-fic, one shot. Written for the Wrong Side of the Track Awards. RR PLEASE!


**Disclaimer:** I do not own The Outsiders, its storyline, or it's characters. I do not own Peter Gabriel or the song "I Grieve". This story was written for the Wrong Side of the Track Awards.

**Summary:** And as Ponyboy stumbled in the door, we could tell something was wrong... but hearing those words... "Johnny - he's dead..." and hearing his voice, so empty and hollow... it was like getting knocked in the head as someones kicking in your ribcage. The air is gone, and the room goes black - but there was no black, there was no lack of air. There was only grief.

**Authors Notes:** Each section is either Soda, Pony or Darry talking - and there are four sections, so one of them is talking twice. I hope that I've kept them in character for you. Bonus points for reviewers if they can guess which Curtis is talking in each part. The beginning of this story is right after Pony had come in and told them the news about Johnny. I'm adding this as I've already finished, and just thinking about them each like this made **me** cry, and I knew what I was going to write before I wrote it. Please review, as this is the only Outsiders story I've ever written without original characters (that I'll admit to writing, heehee), and because this was written for a contest and I'd like some feedback.

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**_It was only one hour ago...  
...it was all so different then...  
...there's nothing yet that's really sunk in...  
...looks like it always did...  
...this flesh and bone...  
...it's just the way that you would tie in...  
...now there's no one home..._**

I'm so damn numb. Can't even hear myself talking, it's like I'm watching a movie. One of the lousy ones, one of the ones Dally would stand up and applaud at, because it's showing real life, it's not making everything out to be peachy keen, it's not some happy ending. We'd sit back, and Two-Bit would throw popcorn and talk real loud, and I'd miss the ending because someone would come in and tell us to get out. Johnny would smile sheepishly, and tell me how sorry he was we missed it, and maybe we could go back later, and I would shrug and tell him it ain't no big deal... we'd go get a coke, and we'd watch the stars come out, we'd watch the sunset... we'd do something, we'd do anything...

"Dallas is gone... ran out like the devil was after him..." My voice was so hollow, so cracked, I didn't... I couldn't be saying these things, saying them made them true, made them real, if I admitted it happened, it'd be like I caused it all myself. _'It's all your fault...'_ something told me, and I would've normally wanted to cry... I'm just too numb to cry right now.

Maybe Dallas was right. "That's what you get..." he told Johnny. He told Johnny too late. Told him five seconds too late, and maybe he did it on purpose. I wouldn't wanna have Johnny look at me the way he would've looked at Dallas. I think maybe Dallas told him then because it was before it really sunk in that Johnny was gone.

"So he finally broke... so even Dally has a breaking point." Two-Bit was right, Dally had a breaking point, and I didn't, I wasn't going to let myself break. Dally was hard, Dally was cold, and Dally was broken. I wasn't going to break.

I'm not broken... it was just grief.

**_The news that truly shocks...  
...is an empty, empty page...  
...while the final rattle rocks...  
...it's empty, empty cage...  
...and oh, I can't handle this..._**

When I was a kid, I never would have dreamed my life would've been like this. We never had much money, but that never really bothered me, because we were happy. Our family was happy. I wasn't ever too close with Johnny, because people who had families like his scared me. I was so scared it was contagious. I was a kid, it was a stupid thought, but I felt like if I let Johnny get too close to us, then Dad would start beating us, and Mom was gonna stop caring, and we'd all start screaming at each other.

And then Mom and Dad died, and I threw myself into anything, because I didn't want to care, I didn't want to hear myself say "I told you so.", and I didn't want to blame Johnny, because glory, we loved that kid. We love that kid, there ain't no difference now that he's gone... is there? Can't be... we still love Mom and Dad...

And Johnny's dead, and we're gonna be ripped apart, my brothers and I, we're so damn screwed... it's my fault... I wasn't thinking.

I'm not going to think, not right now, I'm not going to feel, I'm just going to sit hear, fighting back the tears. Can't let them see my cry, I won't cry, I won't cry. I won't cry. This isn't happening, not to me, not to us. Not again. I don't feel this. I won't.

I'll just grieve.

**_Life carries on...  
...in the people I meet...  
...in everyone that's out on the street...  
...in all the dogs and the cars...  
...in all the flies and the rats...  
...in all the rot and the rust...  
...in the ashes and the dust...  
...life carries on and on and on and on...  
...life carries on and on and on...  
_**

**_...it's just the car that we ride in...  
...a home that we reside in...  
...the face that we hide in...  
...the way we are tied in...  
...and life carries on and on and on and on...  
...life carries on and on and on..._**

You ever felt something so real you thought it was gonna swallow you whole, eat you alive and spit out your bones? It's like a vulture, it circles over your head, this grief, it's just like that. It waits for you, waits until you're weak and then it strikes, it picks you apart, picking your bones clean. It'll leave them drying in the desert sun, bleached brilliant white, and then years and years later, maybe someone will find them. They'll bend down, pick one of them up, and say, "I wonder what happened to this guy... poor fellow... probably didn't even know what hit him..."

And that person will never know that they were so right. They'll continue on with their life, and leave your bones there, leave you hurting, leave you crying. Leave you. They'll leave you, everyone will leave you one day. I never thought that this was going to happen, I didn't want to think it. I never thought that maybe Johnny wasn't going to be okay, I never thought that he'd go away. I didn't spend enough time with him, I didn't wanna think that there would be some day where I wasn't going to have Johnny around, because it hurts, it's like showing that vulture-like grief a weakness, a weak spot, it hurts so bad worrying, and waiting. Who wants to wait around for something like that?

I was waiting for Ponyboy to get home. In some weird, sick sense, I was waiting for that news, I was waiting. And as Ponyboy stumbled in the door, we could tell something was wrong... but hearing those words... "Johnny - he's dead..." and hearing his voice, so empty and hollow... it was like getting knocked in the head as someones kicking in your ribcage. The air is gone, and the room goes black - but there was no black, there was no lack of air. There was only grief.

That damn vulture is picking my bones apart, and it hurts so bad I wanna cry. I'm tired of hurting... I'm so tired of crying...

So I grieve.

**_I grieve for you...  
...and you leave me...  
...so hard to move on (let it out and move on)...  
...still loving whats gone (missing whats gone)...  
...they say life carries on...  
...carries on and on and on..._**

The phone rang. Darry was the first to make a move to answer it, turning away from me to pick it up, and the whole room was silent, absorbing it. Darry's quick "Hello?" was hopeful, like he thought it might be the hospital, like it might be some sort of mistake. I know didn't look so good, maybe he dreamed it up, Johnny dying. That was it, everyone was all thinking, I dreamed this up, Johnny's alive. Any second now, Darry'll let out some sort of war whoop, he'll hang up grinning and exclaim that it was all just a mistake, maybe I was visiting the wrong Johnny. He'll grab me by the shoulders, shake me gently, and scold me for scaring them all half to death and then we would all go to the hospital to see Johnny. We'd find Dally on the way, we'd tell him the good news, and he'd march right up into the hospital and near kill the doctor that told us he was dying, and we'd all go back to the way it was before, we would...

Darry cut off my thoughts. "It was Dally. He phoned from a booth. He's just robbed a grocery store and the cops are after him. We gotta hide him. He'll be at the lot in a minute."

My first thought was how upset Johnny was gonna be when he heard about Dally doing something stupid again... I had to tell him, I had to tell Johnny. We all ran for the door, and the world got a little hazy. Nothing was making sense. Dally robbed a store, we had to tell Johnny, Johnny's dead, the hospital called, he's not dead, we gotta tell Dally before he did something stupid...

Nothing makes sense when you grieve.

**_Did I dream this belief?  
_****_Or did I believe this dream?  
...It's only now I can find relief...  
...I grieve..._**

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Well, that was it. -sniff sob- tears If you guys want... you can pretend Dally didn't die... I didn't want to include it... Sometimes I think that Dally's death was sadder than Johnny's. Don't get me wrong... I love Johnny, I love him to pieces. He's got this hopeful honesty that just makes you want to break down in tears and beg him to marry you so you can take him away from his life and show him somthing real, something to live for, because he didn't have it. But Dally had something to live for, it was Johnny, and once Johnny was gone, there was nothing left for him. It's heartbreaking. -sobs and cries endlessly-

Please review? PLEASE?!

_Always,  
Heaven Marquin, The Bonnie Pirate Lass_


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